


Bri May

by noahbea



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderqueer Character, Genderqueer!Brian, Miscommunication, Other, Panic Attacks, actually quite a bit of angst, but - Freeform, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 22:55:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20379484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noahbea/pseuds/noahbea
Summary: Bri's been wanting to come out to their boyfriend as genderqueer (that word doesn't exist yet though) for a while and doesn't know how. So, when Roger's very drunk from their little pub celebration, they tell him and Roger reacts badly. Only problem is, when morning comes, Roger doesn't remember a thing and certainly doesn't remember why his partner is mad at him. Will Roger ever figure out what's wrong? Will Bri ever get over their fear of coming out? Will Roger accept them? Bri knows none of this but they do know they have to try to explain it soon before it tears their relationship apart.





	Bri May

**Author's Note:**

> tw; panic attack (i hope i wrote it correctly im doing my best)  
brros idk what im doing but im writing.  
i think i made up a word half way through this and probably made millions of mistakes and it has a wonky ass plot but its a story nonetheless.  
i hope you enjoy some angSt because i loved the concept and needed to write it immediately.  
xoxo gossip grill  
^ never watched that show

“Brian came out to me.”  
It was the first time Roger had said it out loud since he had found out. But that didn’t mean it miraculously made any more sense than before.  
Did it make sense grammatically? Yes.  
Did it make sense considering Brian was gay? Yes.  
Did it make sense considering Brian and Roger were already dating? Absolutely fucking not.  
==========  
But of course coming out could mean many different things.  
For example, gender and sexuality: two different things. Two different things which Roger Taylor hadn’t taken into account.  
Bri had known they were different ever since they were born. They supposed they should put the blame on their parents; their mum and dad were probably the whole reason they didn’t identify as male.  
They’d been hiding inside themselves for so long, secretly letting their anxiety reach new highs every time they found a moment to bring it up but couldn’t. They were so sure of themselves but every time the opportunity arose, the ineffable fear of rejection was at the forefront of their mind.  
So yes, the frustrating part was telling other people. Bri wished someone would come up with a word that encapsulated exactly what they were feeling but no one had yet. Maybe they had to be the first one to do it? No; that was too much pressure.  
So straight-forwardly explaining it to their drunken boyfriend was a huge problem for Bri and apparently a huge mistake too.  
==========  
“He what?” Freddie’s voice brought him out of his thoughts. Roger was glad; he didn’t want to have to ponder on it any longer.  
“He came out to me… You know, a few nights ago when we were all off our tits drunk… So I don’t fucking remember what happened.” Roger crossed his arms and huffed to himself in the corner of the stall. He had been complaining to Freddie about how Brian was upset with him yesterday. Well now he knew why. Except it was an insane explanation.  
Freddie, still confused, opened his mouth to say something but was cut off yet again.  
“It doesn’t make sense, I know. But apparently I got angry with him and that’s why he’s upset.” Roger’s frustration melted away at the mere thought of Brian being upset. And then again at the thought that he had been the one to make Brian feel that way.  
Freddie took this quiet moment to pose a new question, trying to get the answer to what he was actually having a hard time comprehending.  
“Did he tell you this?”  
“No, I, uh- Freddie you’ll hate me even more than I hate myself for doing this but this morning I... I read his diary.”  
“You read- What? Roger! You can’t do that!”  
“It’s the only way I could’ve known why he was upset!”  
“You could’ve asked him!” Freddie was passive aggressively folding garments now. It was lucky there was hardly anyone about on Sundays to see them shouting at each other.  
“He wouldn’t have told me,” Roger sighed, tucking a lock of blond hair behind his ear. “He wrote that he felt like he couldn’t tell me… Or something like that- I- I can’t remember...”  
Who was Roger kidding? He’d memorised every word. Roger had stared at the page, reading the same words over and over countless times, trying to put some sense into them. It hadn’t worked. It haunted his every thought that he had made Brian feel unsafe. But he just couldn’t seem to understand.  
“Okay,” Freddie sighed, starting to feel bad. Roger was obviously feeling guilty and scared and what kind of a best friend would Freddie be if he didn’t help him out? “Okay. I am not condoning this in any way but you’ve already done it now haven’t you? What did he write- if you can remember?”  
“Um, well, you know, u- There was the blatant ‘I came out to Roger today.’ And then it said ‘He said he didn’t understand. And then he got angry. But he doesn’t even remember because he was so drunk.’ And then, uh, ‘I can’t tell him.’ I just- God! I don’t fucking know what he’s on about! I don’t even remember leaving the pub let alone getting angry at my boyfriend! I need to know what’s going on!”  
Freddie could see the tears forming in Roger’s eyes. Whether they were from frustration or sadness, he’d never know.  
“Okay, calm down a minute, dearie.” He put a hand on Roger’s shoulder, guiding him to the nearest seat: the one in the changing room. “It’s no good for you to get all worked up about something when you don’t know the full story- Oh, customer- Wait a minute-”  
Freddie slipped out from behind the flimsy curtain to see to the woman at the desk.  
“Isn’t that kinda the point? I mean- I’m all worked up because I don’t know what’s going on!” Roger called from the back. “I haven’t a clue, Freddie!”  
Freddie said a kind sorry to the woman on behalf of his friend’s shouting. She waved it off with a smile as he packaged up her hat and gave it to her. Freddie watched as she wandered off across the market to show her friend.  
“Okay, well, maybe he’s not one hundred percent gay, yeah?” He called back to Roger as he put the woman’s money into their till. “Maybe he’s bisexual… And he needs you to know because it’s a part of his identity. Couldn’t it be as simple as that, Rog?” Freddie was absent-mindedly watching the woman and her friend again.  
Roger, being who he was, took what Freddie said one step too far. His always helpful brain suggested that maybe Brian was just straight. That maybe he tried to tell Roger that he was just a phase for him. That maybe Brian tried to break up with him that night. That maybe Roger reacted badly because he thought Brian didn’t love him anymore.  
It was the only rational explanation for Roger’s reaction. He loved Brian unconditionally.  
But then, if it were true, Brian didn’t love him anymore. And Roger freaked out about that.  
“Oh my- god! What if- Oh my god- Freddie! I’m-”  
Roger’s frantic shouting brought Freddie back into the real world. Darting to the side of the stall, he pulled back the old curtain to reveal the blond with tear-stained cheeks. He was breathing rapidly as all coherent thoughts were apparently thrown out of the window.  
“What- What if he’s just- not gay? What- if- he- d- doesn’t love- me?”  
Freddie was quick to kneel down beside Roger and lift his friend’s head up so he could see past his tears.  
“Is this okay, Roger?” he asked, conscious of failed attempts at communication with Roger’s previous panic attacks. “Can I help you?” Roger grabbed his hand in response and squeezed it so tightly, Freddie thought he might break his fingers. He knew what this meant.  
“Okay, okay, c’mere,” he said softly, carefully pulling Roger from the chair into his arms.  
“What about- the- stall? You can.. Leave me- I’m- ‘m fine!”  
“Fuck the stall. You’re not okay,” he whispers as he holds his friend close. “Calm down… Just breathe... Nothing’s happened. You’ve just let this idea spiral, Roger, but you’ve got nothing to worry about. Just try to breathe, can you do that for me? In and out. Do it with me… That’s it. Feel better?”  
Roger nodded along as his breathing subsided and he stopped crying. He was regaining control.  
After a few minutes of Freddie making sure Roger was feeling completely back to normal as they sat in their embrace, Freddie laughed. Roger pulled away slightly, looking a bit confused.  
“Well that was a bit silly wasn’t it, dear?” he said softly. “Trust me, there’s not a cat in hell’s chance that Brian’s straight. Because… Well, have you seen how he dresses and acts sometimes?”  
That made Roger do a sniffly laugh. Freddie tried his best to wipe the remaining tears away from where Roger’s eyes were crinkled in the corners.  
“And there’s also not a chance that he doesn’t love you, Roger. I see you two together and I know you’ll be just the same, come 20, 50, even 70 years. I promise that whatever happened, he did not break up with you. He loves you way too much.”  
“Thank you, Fred.” He smiled, leaning forward to place a kiss to his cheek. It wasn’t unusual for the four of them to share little, friendly kisses and the time seemed right. “Guess I did spiral a bit.”  
“Yeah, a bit,” Freddie chuckled. “Right, get off me and we’ll take the day off. You can come back to ours for lunch if you don’t want to see Brian right now.”  
“Oh, Brian went out this morning-” Roger said, standing up. “Said he was going for a drive to clear his mind or something-”  
“Ah, well, I’m sure he’s just figuring out how he’s going to tell you what’s going on with him, dearie. You can still come back to ours if you’d like the company,” Freddie offered.  
“What about the stall?”  
“As I said, fuck the stall,” he smiled, changing the open sign to closed and shutting the opening at the front. “There’s hardly anyone here and you, darling, need a break.”  
Freddie could tell Roger had had one hell of a week and he deserved much better than to spend another day cooped up in their tiny stall. So back to Freddie and John’s small flat it was.  
==========  
Bri was driving their car out of London for the day. They really just needed to get out of their mind and, if that meant escaping the city and using up all their petrol, then so be it.  
They wandered out to a park for a bit and took a stroll around the countryside for once to clear their head. It just about worked. They managed to convince themselves of something: Roger would still love them either way. They knew this for two reasons.  
One: Roger would never put someone down for being who they were. They highly doubted that Roger would break up with them for not being 100% a man. But, if it were too much for him, Bri knew Roger would still accept them and love them unconditionally as a friend. Thinking back on his outburst the other night, they recalled Roger’s tornado of emotions being dominated by one thing: confusion. Maybe Bri hadn’t explained it right. Maybe they just hadn’t explained it at all. Roger had been very drunk and when he’s drunk he gets all loopy and confused and does things without really knowing what he’s doing. But no matter how drunk or angry, Roger still loved Bri.  
Two: They had noticed Roger’s efforts to figure out why his partner was upset and had even bothered to make cups of tea for them in the mornings and finally pick up his dirty socks and ask Bri if they were feeling alright a lot more. They knew Roger was trying the extra bit more to patch things up, despite being in the dark about Bri’s disorderly mental state. It made them want to rush home, give their little blond boyfriend the biggest hug and explain what was going on. So that’s exactly what they attempted to do.  
They drove their old car back to the flat and nervously awaited Roger’s arrival.  
Bri couldn’t keep their secret any longer. They couldn’t go on living like this, without their friends knowing. It could quite possibly eat them from the inside out if they didn’t tell someone soon.  
They kept telling himself this. Over and over and over. A coping mechanism, if you will, for something Bri was definitely not ready to cope with yet.  
Their hands were shaking for a while as they sat and stared at the door. It was the only thing they could do, they found. They stared and they stared, willing it to open with their mind so that they could rush into Roger’s arms and finally stop this torturous tension between the two.  
But, when the door clicked open hours later, Bri wasn’t there. They weren’t waiting in thrilling anticipation nor torturous anxiety.  
==========  
Roger found the flat empty, apart from one sticky note left on the kitchen counter. It said ‘I think we need to talk.’ Next to it lay a picture of a very young girl at the beach. She was maybe 3 or 4 with a sundress and sunhat. She was making a sandcastle, the sand below her feet inscribed ‘May’s castle.’  
Roger stared at the picture for hours, millions of theories running through his head, each more ridiculous and confusing than the last. He was spiraling again, he knew he was. But this time, he had no one to help him out.  
He trudged to bed alone that night, the right side of the bed almost freezing cold without his Brian there. He hadn’t a clue in the world where the man he loved was, who he was with, or, at this point, who he even was himself. And he cried. He cried until he felt he might drown in his own tears. He cried until he fell into sleep, cold and very much alone.  
The next morning came too fast, yet not fast enough. Almost forgetting their problems, Roger reached out for his boyfriend, only to find the bed empty, just as the rest of the apartment was.  
He hadn’t heard other voices in well over twelve hours. So he called Freddie. And he told him what happened. And then he cried some more.  
He and Brian had been on edge ever since the night at the pub and Roger hadn’t seen his boyfriend in over twenty four hours. Needless to say he missed him. He had even missed Brian days ago when he was sat right next to him.  
Because that wasn’t his Brian.  
His Brian had his depressive episodes but he was never the kind of sad that made Roger want to curl up with him forever, and forget the world around them. He missed his rational thinking, soft, stupidly nerdy boyfriend. Way too much, if you asked him.  
==========  
Well Bri showed up that evening. They thought they were strong but they hardly made it two meters into their hallway before they were in tears. Their legs threatened to bolt back out of the door and never look back. But they stiffened up when they heard footsteps approaching.  
Roger’s appearance was a myriad of contradictions. His eyes were bloodshot but his smile was bright. His clothes were messy but his posture was almost confiant. His heart was heavy but still full of hope.  
Bri suddenly found their voice wouldn’t work. So Roger spoke first, calculating every word so carefully as if one slip up might have broken Bri’s fragile heart.  
“I’ve missed you.” He smiled. The sight made Bri’s face crack a slight smile.  
“You probably have a lot to say…” And then their face dropped. Roger quickly tried to repair any damage.  
“But, uh, take your time. Come and sit with me,” he offered, gesturing towards the living room.  
Bri nodded their head. “Okay.”  
Contradictory to what they’d come there to do, once settled on their sofa, neither of them spoke.  
Roger held up a finger as to say ‘wait a minute’ and headed for the kitchen. When he returned, he was clutching the photograph. Bri’s mouth went dry.  
“So I, uh, don’t want to rush you…”  
“No, no it’s okay. I want to do this now...”  
“But I do think you need to explain this to me.” He held the picture up for them both to see.  
Yes. That was it. Explain. Explain to Roger so he wasn’t confused. It couldn’t be that hard.  
“Okay, uh, here goes nothing,” they attempted a weak smile before it faded off their face. “My mum took that photograph when I was four. May’s castle was our castle that we made together. Mum, dad and I.”  
“And you?”  
“Yes. That’s me, seconds away from destroying it,” they laughed weakly.  
“I thought it was-”  
“A girl, I know.”  
Roger looked taken aback for a second. “I knew you didn’t have any sisters so I couldn’t make sense of it.”  
“Well… I would’ve had a sister but my mum had a misscarriage. When I was a baby, I think my mum felt something missing since she couldn’t have that second child, so she in a way raised me like I was both children- I know it’s confusing,” they added, when Roger’s eyes narrowed. They were having flashbacks already. “Do you get it? I was raised as both a boy and a girl.”  
“Okay, yeah, I get it.”  
“So I guess that explains why I’ve never really felt the need to be masculine, not that any of us do,” they chuckled, before turning serious again. “That’s why I’ve never had a problem being effeminate or having Freddie put me in fancy dress for a gig. It’s just a part of who I am.”  
“Okay. I understand.” Bri breathed a sigh of relief. “But what does this have to do with you coming out to me?”  
Bri blinked at him a few times, making sure they heard him correctly. Roger froze up immediately, realising how badly he’d slipped up.  
“I- What do you mean coming out?”  
“Well, I...”  
“Roger, did you read my diary?”  
Roger didn’t answer. Tears gathered in his eyes, stinging and threatening to fall at any moment. And all of a sudden he was breaking down.  
“I’m sorry! Bri, I’m so sorry! You know I’d never invade your privacy but I had to know. You wouldn’t tell me and I wanted to make sure you we’re alright!” He sniffled, waving his hands about in an attempt at explaining his apology.  
Bri stared at him for a few seconds, gupled, weighed out their odds and decided to just move on.  
“Okay. Roger it’s okay.”  
“Wait- What? Really? No it’s your private thing, I shouldn’t have done it-”  
“Roger. Look at me.” Roger stuck out his jaw so that his head tilted to meekly look his partner in the eyes. “I’m actually really glad you did.”  
“Huh?”  
“Well… Now you know what happened.”  
“Almost... I still don’t get what you meant by coming out. Are you trying to tell me you’re bi? Straight? What?”  
“No no, still like men. Still very much in love with one in particular.” They laced their fingers together as Roger gave them a loving smile.  
“Then what is it?”  
Bri took a deep breath, letting their hands fall apart, “I’m not really- uh- not really a boy or a girl. I think that’s the best way to describe it.”  
Oh. Roger had really misjudged that one.  
“So- you’re like, neither?”  
“Well, not exactly. I’m neither because I’m kinda a bit of both.”  
“So you feel like you’re in between?”  
“Maybe, yeah, I think so.” They braced themselves for Roger’s answer. They didn’t know if Roger had ever heard of it before. They knew Freddie had a friend who identified the same but they’d never heard any public accounts of it. Hell, Bri didn’t even have a name for what they felt.  
“Oh… Okay… That’s fine,” Roger smiled.  
“Really? You don’t think it’s weird?”  
“Of course not! Be who you wanna be, love who you wanna love, isn’t that what the fucking gay liberation taught you? Summer of love and all that good hippie bullshit,” he laughed.  
“Oh thank god.” They smiled as Roger leant forward to give them a kiss on the cheek. “I sorta knew you’d be fine with it but the other night, you got really angry with me and I don’t think I explained it right-”  
“Bri, honey, it was just the alcohol and the confusion. You know I’d never be angry with you, especially over something you’ve obviously struggled with for some time. I love you.”  
“I love you too.” They placed a proper kiss to Roger’s lips.  
“But speaking of, uh, have you known all your life? Like you said when you were little, you were both…”  
“Yeah, I suppose. I was more a boy during teenage years because I was forced to be and obviously I am physically male but I’ve never quite been comfortable as a boy. But I’ve also never been comfortable as a girl too. I’ve known for as long as I can remember and I’ve wanted to tell you for years but I always thought It never really mattered or no one would understand. Freddie really helped I think. He’s very feminine so I felt comfortable around him. But it was when he joined that I really, properly thought about telling you. It’s silly but I guess I was scared you wouldn’t want me if I wasn’t a man.”  
“Oh, dear, I don’t love you predominantly because you’re a- I thought you were a man,” he corrected himself. “I love you for who you are and this doesn’t change who you are one bit. You’ve just chosen to finally tell me about it,” he smiled reassuringly. “I’ll always love you, girl, boy or inbetween. God, you are daft if you think I would ever stop loving you.”  
“Thank you,” they were almost on the verge of tears. “Um,” they tried to wipe away any stray teardrops, “do you have any final questions so you actually, properly understand it?”  
“I don’t know- Oh actually, here’s one: are you still comfortable with being he? Or would you prefer she? Or I’m sure some people go by they… And! Do I refer to you as my boyfriend still? Or something else? And, if it’s not too rude,” Bri shook their head at this. Roger always got too excited over things and Bri definitely wouldn’t mind answering any of their boyfriend's questions. “If you don’t want to be properly masculine… Do you still want the name Brian, or is that completely fine?”  
“Okay slow down.” They laughed and Roger joined in. “I’ve thought about it and I think I’d be more comfortable as they.” Roger nodded his head. “And that kinda answers your next question: you can call me your partner I guess. Not that there’s be much calling me your partner what with how society is... Unless you want to call me something else. Like... Lover,” they joked, knowing how much Roger hated the word.  
“No. Never.” He pretended to gag, earning a laugh from the both of them.  
“And, in terms of names, I’ve thought about it and I’ll stay Brian officially- I can’t be bothered to change my name- I’m not Freddie Mercury-” they laughed, “but I’d like if you called me just Bri maybe. I feel like it’s a tiny bit more… I don’t know… in between; If you didn’t know me and you saw my name, I could be either, you know?”  
“Yeah. That’s fine, Bri.” He tested it out. “I love you, Bri.”  
“I love you too, Rog.”  
==========  
“Well aren’t you pretty, darling?” Freddie had exclaimed upon Bri’s arrival to the studio.  
“That’s what I told them this morning and it went right to their head,” Roger sighed.  
“Shut up, you can’t keep your eyes off me.” Bri did a twirl on their way to pick up their guitar.  
“Who could?”  
“Whose point are you trying to prove here, Roger?” John piped up from across the room.  
“Can we all just agree that Bri looks pretty and get on with recording an album, please!”  
“Of course, dearie, let’s rock n roll.”  
The next few months had been jam packed with writing and recording and working overtime at their separate jobs but Bri had still found the time to properly come out to their other band mates and let Roger convince them to buy them whatever pretty clothes they wanted.  
Bri didn’t object. They loved the look on Rogers face as they stepped out of the changing rooms with more silk trousers and open shirts (which Roger had nicknamed the ‘pirate shirts.’) They had even let Roger to buy them a dress.  
It was lovely- or that’s what Freddie kept saying anyway- and maybe Bri was still afraid to wear it outside but it was enthralling to finally be accepted in their own home.  
Freddie hadn’t stopped designing flowy stage outfits either which helped a lot. Bri was grateful for the current trends as it let them inconspicuously (or non judgmentally) wear what was almost a gown in front of crowds of people. And they were more grateful for Freddie teaching them how to properly do makeup for every show and sometimes just to wear comfortably around the house. Those were the days Roger seemed happier (and hornier) for them than ever.  
And Bri was grateful for Freddie making them feel safe in public appearances or even just walks around London when they were feeling particularly brave enough to wear more feminine styles. Sometimes, they thought, people probably mistook them for a girl anyway with their long hair and slightly done up facial features. The thought that they and Roger could probably pass for a heterosexual couple made them giggle. But then, Roger often also got mistaken for a girl so they were kind of back at square one there, homophobia-wise.  
John also helped them out at every bump in the road, frustratedly explaining to the album producers why they felt better being listed as Bri May on the back. He would race to call their and Roger’s flat every time he heard something about someone’s friend or someone in the newspaper talk about whatever Bri identified with. He was the one who would tell Bri about the new word genderqueer in the mid nineties. That helped Bri out so much more than they thought it would.  
And of course, Roger himself, who not only sat and complemented every single outfit his partner tried on in the shops as if it was a normal habit (even if it sometimes bored him to death) but constantly stayed by Bri’s side to make them feel accepted wherever they went. It’s was because of Roger that they adjusted into it more easily than they thought they would at home. Roger didn’t change anything about their domestic life. Didn’t make a big fuss about calling his partner Bri. And certainly didn’t act like it was a massive deal if Bri wore a skirt. He would compliment it sure but he was quiet about it. Bri was thankful- it was how they wanted it to be; casual.  
There were times Roger could over-compliment them if he really liked Bri’s makeup or shoes or hair. There was even one time Roger had accidentally said ‘good girl’ in bed but it had sort of embarrassingly spurred Bri on more.  
Either way, It was better to have an overly nice boyfriend than an overly hateful one.  
And Bri couldn’t be happier.

**Author's Note:**

> okay lovies,,, tell me what you thought of it please!!  
not to be that 'kudos are always appreciated' bitch but kudos are always appreciated.  
thanks for ur time and consideration <333


End file.
